Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
