Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
