This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
