Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
