I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
