i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
