I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
