If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
