quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
