Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
