Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
