yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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