that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Michael Bay diarrhea
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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