Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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