um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my shit smells like andre
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
