dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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