the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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