i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
