my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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