Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
