i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize