I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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