I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
