So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
