found the other keg... it's in the tree
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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