Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
