Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
