Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
