I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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