If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
