I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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