I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize