If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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