im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
