you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
