just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize