Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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