Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
