I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
