Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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