All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
