Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
