I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
