Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize