cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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