sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
