don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
