My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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