she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
