the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
