I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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