these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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