im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
