She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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