new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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