you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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