Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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