My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize