In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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