I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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