Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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