So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
