and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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