i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
