Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Come share oat with me in your robe
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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