Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
