so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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