I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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