Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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