I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
why do cheetos always look like penises
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
