I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
