i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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