end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
