I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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