At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
